Giambattista Valli, fall 2012 couture.

1. Your wedding. Few gowns could say “I love you because you love me just the way I am” better than this one.

2. The bedding department at Bed, Bath, & Beyond. Lie face down on one of the linen-display beds with your head face-down, and when people touch you or sit on you, you can start moving and say “IT’S ALIVE!”

3. My house. My little fluffy black cat would look AMAZING sitting on that thing. Then she’d probably knead her claws into it because she’s a cat, and would have the attitude, “It’s not like I don’t do this to couture every day.”

4. The grocery store. YES.

5. The office.

6. A date at Del Frisco’s. No one will notice in this outfit if you get bloated red meat-and-wine belly and look TOTALLY FAT.

7. A last date with someone who’s selfish in bed. To remind them they are also sartorially inadequate.

8. A picnic. No blanket required.

9. A boat. If you catch the wind right, you could probably parasail and look like a giant leopard-spotted bat flying through the sky.

10. Somewhere preppy as all ass, like Harvard. Shock therapy for the locals.